it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Oh the world we live in…
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.