I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
How high do the levels go?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ