My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo