Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money