ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone