Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Noah was an idiot.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY