Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Sorry. Not sorry
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain