me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…