Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.