Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!