Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Pigeon open mic night.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*weighs self after shaving