i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?