me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
You Might Also Like
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The future is now.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Bruh PLEASE
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.