I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You Might Also Like
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My friend is an excellent librarian.