There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
This one’s “Alex”.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…