Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m not lazy
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
respect
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.