*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
You Might Also Like
Nomnomnomnom
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“you changed” bro i was 15
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time