aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.