WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
me after drinking all the wine:
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”