♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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me: flattery
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me: that smile
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
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-full of carbs
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-really white under this outer layer
-round
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
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me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after