i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Yep.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while