Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
never ask a starfish for directions
United Steaks of America
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this