14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
He’s cranky this morning
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
stop
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”