It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
checking out some reviews of my local library
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?