I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I see that your IQ test came back negative.