My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I am never leaving this website
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.