[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth