ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Breaking news:
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.