“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME