A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?