For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.