Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Great game to play with friends
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Extremely relatable.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]