URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Facebook marketplace is a different world
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?