Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out