Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness