Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”