Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me irl
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
honestly, i need both: