I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.