invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
You Might Also Like
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”