me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*