*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
You Might Also Like
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
his wife is probably gonna see that
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣