Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…