Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*