Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
the icebreaker
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Monica just destroyed the internet
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct