If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back