I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
This kid is a star!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.