Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Sharon, call the vet