BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
what are they serving at kfc then???
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
This is a true ally.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?