*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭