Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend